GuysNamedMike | Main / Bad Ass City: Population Mike

Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer have been getting way too much credit. Mike is the original Bad Ass.

When people claim they saw God, they’re just confused. They saw Mike.

Mike can never get alcohol poisoning because years ago he replaced his blood with tequila. When he jerks off into a cup, all you need is a lime.

When Mike was sentenced to death, they went through 6 electric chairs and a gun. Mike asked if someone left a window open.

Stain resistant Dockers? Mike destroyed those.

Dr. Pepper has 23 flavors. Mike’s bodily fluids are responsible for 3 of them.

Mike started his own fraternity. Kappa Kappa Awesome. He’s the lone member.

Mike will sometimes go by 2 different names. Mike, or more appropriately, Captain Huge Dick.

One night Mike got drunk and scribbled his name. Now we have cursive.

Mike thinks fannypacks are cool. Sike. He sees you in one and you're dead.

Gunner Stahl went glove side. Mike went stick.

Mike nicknamed his unit “the thunderdome”.

The British Invasion was when Mike talked in a fake British accent for an hour.

“Walking Tall” was originally written for a guy named Mike, but they wanted someone smaller so they went with The Rock.

Mike went to Paris and saw the Eiffel Tower. Then he Eiffel Towered your Mom. For irony, he did it under the Tower.

Considered to be the greatest pickup line of all time, Mike walked up to a random chick, dropped his pants and said, “Speak directly into the Mike”. And now, we have the blowjob.

Someone once bet Mike that he couldn’t be pee for an hour straight. The result was Niagara Falls.

Mike can cure cancer. He just doesn’t think anyone’s earned it yet.

You are what you eat. Mike eats concentrated awesome with a side of bad ass.

Mike is better at Wii tennis than a 13 year old Asian kid.

Lemon Lime Gatorade? Mikes urine. Gatorade has yet to find a way to effectively market the flavor, “Chocolate Thunder”.

Mike didn’t save 15% on his car insurance. He saved 20.

Mike once served a double life sentence.

Mike started the fire...it wasn't burnin' since the world's been turnin'.

Mike shot the sheriff. Mike then shot the deputy.

Trix are for kids? Fuck kids. Trix are for Mike.

Mike beat the Road Runner in a race.

When Mike borrows money from the bank, they pay him interest.

When Mike flies, he doesn't return his seat to the full and upright position.

After a long workout, Mike sells his sweat in little bottles. You may know it as 5 Hour Energy.

After Mike beat Lance Armstrong in a bike race, he gave Lance one of his balls. Everyone knows Mike has 3.

Know that phrase it’s not you, it’s me? Well, Mike has the balls to let you know it is you.

Mike fired Donald Trump. Then he banged Ivanna.

Mike can slam a revolving door.

Only you can prevent Forest Fires? Haha, yeah right. Only Mike.

Mike actually starts forest fires, just to put them out.

Mike's sperm is so potent that when he impregnates someone, they give birth within the hour.

How many Mike’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? 15. 1 to get the bulb, 1 to get a ladder, and 13 to gangbang your sister.

The Nickelodeon show, “What Would You Do?” was canceled after Mike figured it out.

Mike beat Bob Barker in a game of Plinko.

Unsolved Mysteries went off the air when Mike solved them all.

Mike not only found Waldo…he also found Carmen San Diego.

The original title for Rocky was Mike, but Mike refused to sign over the rights of his name because he planned to make an even more bad ass movie. Comparatively speaking, Rocky is its retarded brother.

Mike defeated his arch nemesis by snapping him into a corner, a la “West Side Story”.

The Ghostbusters call Mike.

Whatever weight Jared lost eating Subway, Mike lost double.